Green means procrastinate

Kill me.

I've been procrastinating a lot lately, and I mean that literally and figuratively. My manuscript has long been overdue and I still don't have the motivation to finish it, let alone start it.

Writing has never been a problem and I'm wondering now why the hell I could not push myself to write that damn requirement. I know that if I don't do it there's no way I'd be graduating this October even if I do finish all my courses and plan of study. 

Well sometimes, I think that not wanting to write the effing manuscript has to do with the idea that I still don't want to let go of college. I'm actually torn, I don't know what I want and I can tell you that I am in all shades of grey.

If only someone could shed some light. I'm in a major quarter life crisis and I need anyone who could push me over the edge of a cliff or bang my head on the wall for a wake up call.

Trip Down Memory Lane

For some reasons, I must have lowed down the temperature of the a/c that I started feeling cold. I was so lazy to turn the room temp warmer that I just wrapped my sheets all over me.

Then I felt really sad. If he was just with me, it wouldn't be that cold. If he was with me, then I will have his arms wrapped around me instead of my cold, thin sheet.

I'm really longing for Chris and I cannot describe how bad I miss him. Having a long distance relationship is very hard. There are many times when I already wanted to let go. When friends ask me how's my relationship with him and I tell them that we still manage to hold on, they're reactions would either be telling me to break up with him, or advising me to find someone else. So much for being supportive if you ask me.

It's really hard. Sometimes, I would hate myself for doubting his honesty. We don't talk everyday and the 12-hour time difference could get in the way, but we try to catch up on a regular basis. One time, I sent him an email about breaking up if he already found another, I was even ready to forget about him and move on. For a week I did not hear from him so I thought that was my cue to to start again, but much to my surprise, we talked as though he never got my email. It has never ended to begin with.

I have loved every moment I spent with him. All our foolish stunts, hopeful plans, late-night talks, I cherished. I think about him everyday but he doesn't know. On the other hand, he has told me he thinks of me and I want to believe it when he said it.

Whenever I ask him when is he coming to visit, he would tell me as soon as he can. No exact date. No assurance. I'm surprise I'm still holding on.

I think I'm ready for the time when he will tell me he's found another. I have prepared myself in the very beginning not to expect anything from him and just enjoy the ride. "Come what may" I would tell myself each day.

I don't want to think that months from now I will go back to this entry and regret I've confessed to the world how much I was smitten by his charms. What I want is to wake up months from now, even years, and read this, with him by my side.

It's going to be rough and tough, and all I have are memories of the two of us together, crazy happy. I hope those memories are enough to keep us together. Enough to one day bring us together. 

I found Green Apple in a Bookstore V

"Chris!"

My heart was racing 80 miles per hour and my mind has not decided between a peck on the cheek or a long hug. But I guess my lips just found his though I would later insist that he actually kissed me first.

"I'll see you soon." I told him.

"I'll call you." he said as I waved goodbye.

I didn't know what I was expecting then. I mean yes, it was a great day, it was the best date. But what would you expect from a spur of the moment thing? 

When you got hurt many times, you know when to end hoping and when to stop trusting. I was sure I won't hear from him. I was so sure I would not see him ever. I can't believe I gave in again and let my emotions take control. When will I ever learn?

But little did I know that it was just the beginning of a sweet scene I only used to see in the movies. And this time, we were each other's superstar.

Sweet Cup of Hellos II

Marlene and I went to Cafe antonio. It was our first time to try the place because we usually go to Jungle Java where we both are regulars. I'm glad we tried a different environment. Cafe Latte really tasted good and so much more with stories.

So I guess chic lits do happen in real life too. I realized that while I was sipping my coffee, and listening to all the boy troubles we've been having lately. It's like a chapter in a novel where the two characters meet in a coffee shop for endless talks.

I have to say that my friendship with Mar has already withstood time. We've been friends since day one of our freshman year in college. Since then, she became my confidant, the perfect listener, the best adviser. I would often joke and tell her she could earn money being a psychological therapist. She's never been in a relationship before but whenever I have problems, all I have to do is run to her and she'll have the answers I need by the end of night.

Mar knows me well enough to tell when I'm lying, or when I have some plans cooking. Last night, I told her that I'm being troubled by the fact that the guy I like is in love with someone else. Marlene, knowing me, said that it's just all about winning the competition.

Or is it?

Sweet Cup of Hellos I

Eight months ago, when I left for the States, I was not able to really say goodbye to my girl friends and much more to my dismay, when I got back to the Philippines, I was still not able to meet them because of so many reasons: exams, priorities, boy problems, even my laziness.

Last Wednesday I bumped into Marlene and she told me Dianne, our other girl friend is in town for her sorority's anniversary. The plan was to go eat dinner that same night, but unfortunately, I had my period and muscle cramps totally kept me home.

I guess my girls already know me for being the best planner but the weakest when it comes to execution. I don't know but there are really many times when I would plan night outs and it would just end up being cancelled.

Luckily, last Friday, without any plans at all, I called Mar and Dianne and asked for a get together. Dianne had to leave early because of a meeting but it's better than not seeing her at all. 

Mar and I were able to eat dinner and go for rounds of coffee afterwards. There are just so many things to talk about and so many advice from her that I have to hear.

I'm glad my girls are there when I need them. I just hope I could do the same for them. It's time to make up for my lapses.

Run bunny, RUN!

This is going to be the fastest 50 days of my life.

I remember, when I was little, I would always do countdowns. Be it the 100 days before Christmas, or the two years before my cousin's wedding, or even the last 15 minutes of a zoo field trip, I count and it has always been slow.

But anticipating for my graduation feels like a motocross at 60 miles per hour. I started with a hundred days and now I'm down to no more than 50. Time is all that I have and I'm beginning to to feel like I'm running out of it. 

When I first entered the University, as a freshman, I said I cannot wait to finish school and work (not realizing I would have to plan everything once I get out of the gates.) I have all the uncertainties of being a newbie in a big university, not sure if I'll be able to finish the bunny race.

I can see the finish line now, almost. But I'm not ready to face whatever is across the yellow tape. I've heard many frustrating stories of crossing over. They say it is not ideal. It is very different from what someone might hope in the four corners of a classroom. I was advised to be ready for disappointments for outside is a dog-eat-dog world.

I have to admit I'm scared. I cannot believe I'm back to the feeling of a newb who is about to enter a world that might perhaps be out of my league. But when I look back, I realized that all the lessons I learned, the friends I made, the fun times I had, even the long hours at the library, endless quizzes, and terror professors contribute to what I am now. I would like to think I'm ready.

Apprehensive--yes I am. But I am looking forward meeting new people, learning new things, getting wiser, growing up, I guess, after this race is just another marathon. Why should I be scared? I might just be able to bag the trophy after all.

I found Green Apple in a Bookstore IV

My strawberry cheesecake ice cream brought him to the Philippines and to why I was at Michigan State. His mint chocolate chip on the other hand brought me to Psychology and to the world of Led Zeppelin. Then we decided it was time for me to go home.

When we got to my dorm, I didn't want it to end. So I asked him if he wanted to play pool. I know it sounded very tacky, I don't even play pool!

We played. He completely won me over a set of pool games. I would blame the cue stick and the table for not winning, and he would just tease me for being short.

It was odd that I had just known him for a couple hours and yet I felt so comfortable. I had spent hours laughing at the slightest jokes. We were talking about the littlest things and it would still feel like a great conversation.

I didn't want the day to end. Everything went so amazing that I would try to pinch myself when he wasn't looking just to make sure it was real.

When we finally had to end the day, he told me:

"You know, I wouldn't really mind if you tell me your name."

"I thought you'd never ask" came my quick reply.

It was the best first meeting and the best first date I ever had. And as I watch him walk towards parking lot, I told myself I couldn't just simply let him pass me by. With that, I rushed to him.

I found Green Apple in a Bookstore III

"Looking for me?" and I almost dropped the book. I turned 180 degrees only to find the most beautiful hazel eyes I've ever seen. And those eyes were staring straight at me.

Obviously, I was looking for him and I'm pretty sure he saw me as I glanced to my left and right side trying to find him. I almost wished I would disappear that very moment but I'm glad I didn't. And at that very time, I'm not sure but I was hoping that he would like me, even if he doesn't know me, even if he saw me pull all my silly stunts.

"Maybe I was. But you were looking at me first." Perfect! and I sensed a big smile forming on my lips. I can't help it. It's not everyday you get to meet someone in a bookstore and really just have innocent flirts with.

Besides, I had nothing to lose.

Apple Delight

Reunited and it feels so good

After five long years, it felt good seeing familiar faces who helped me make it through high school the fun way. It was really a sight to see all these people who made me laugh and cry back in the early days. 

It was a talkathon for six hours as stories flowed from one lips to another. Topics on being a single parent to first real jobs filled the air as we spill the beans. 

Most of them already graduated. I think there's just two of us left. Some of them are registered nurses already and we are all very proud of them. Others, still reviewing for the board exams, and sure we wish them the best of luck. Other people already have their babies and we can't wait for their christening. Some, just broken up with their girlfriends and so we told them to just drink the night away. 

I look at us and it seems like nothing's change. We still all look the same, we still talk like we did before. It felt as if we have never been separated that long. Together, we seem like the old bunch from high school who loves karaoke and ginpomelo, but I stared closer and realized there were changes individually.

The highschool-secretary-turned-bonafide-nurse attended reunion for the first time! Lorena never attended any of our reunions, but it was really nice finally seeing her after five years. She really looked pretty and I was almost tempted to ask her what sun screen she's using. Even Angelo noticed how fair her skin is. Her signature lavender color was still in the atmosphere as she walks with purple pants and tote her grape-colored bag.

Our highschool big brother Willy, is still pretty much the Kuya of the batch. He was the promotor of drinking session and videoke stint that night, and we all sympathize when he sang break up song after another. But as the night went, we just made fun of the whole situation and guaranteed that he'll find another (I hope we're right.)

Jen-jen, the campus crush who broke Willy's heart just came back from China and did not even bother bring goodies! (But yea, I did not bring stuff from the States aside from the mini bars I brought.) We weren't really able to talk besides our casual tuksuhan of who is prettier, who is gaining weight, and petty stuff.

Our four stooges, Ramir, Rhyan, Lexy, and Gaius were also there, parading their silly stunts as they did in high school. I really admire their brotherhood. The blokes never ceased to make us laugh over Eagles' songs they sang in their own remix version. 

Ah, how could I forget the high school best friends Anna and Sarah. Their friendship could not be even compared to that of Paris Hilton and Nicole Ricci. They're still the sweethearts of our group. Kudos to our certified nurses!

Angelo-the black sheep has become a looker! That night I kept telling him that he looks really gorgeous and I would joke saying he looks sober. I'm glad he got to change for the better. I'm really impressed at his maturity in comparison to his high school records. We have been in a lot of fights, literally, where we would actually hit each other and God! We just really laugh at it now!

Chelsy, our so-called entertainment showcase still speaks with her high-pitched voice. She still loves singing. Our Pinoy Idol pambato sang Celine Dione after Celine Dione, while reminiscing all the singing contests she joined in high school. She was like before, just with longer hair, and a baby son she's very proud of. 

Reina, Lexy's quees, is still the same fun-loving girl in high school. Everyone just love her for being friendly and easy-going. We talked about how we bumped to each other one time in a mall and that mall was even far from where we both live. In the course of the night, we asked her to sing with Lexy their theme song and she did. Lexy didn't though, he was such a bummer!

If Sarah and Anna's friendship can not be compared to Paris and Nicole, surely, Monica's weight loss is beyond comparison to Ricci's. She was always in good shape but for some reason, she looked like she totally lost a lot. Everyone was almost pushing all the goodies at her and was eyeing her to eat. I guess we love how she was before. We're still a little curious though. Never the less, she is still our Monica who loves the flash of the camera!

Two years ago when we had our last reunion, we were pretty much talking about our courses, our terror professors, and how we are coping with college life. The wind must have gone the other direction when we started talking about future plans, and work life between shots of rhum.

Funny how our love for the camera never ceased. We are the wacky team, the humor clinic of the batch, the fun-loving group! We are still the same, almost.

I found Green Apple in a Bookstore II

"He's got to be crazy!"

That's what I was thinking the whole time he was waiting for my answer. And I was just looking at him, trying to figure out what was happening. I even asked myself if it was for real because at that time, I felt like some actress shooting a scene in a bookstore with the leading man trying to win me over a cone of ice cream. It was actually funny because I was asking myself why my leading man looked like Eminem. Well, not actually. It was just because he was wearing this big-grayish hoodie which I thought was very Eminem. But it didn't matter.

"I don't go out with strangers" came my reply as I headed towards another row of books. I must have been so nervous with him following me around that I didn't realize I was heading towards Geography section (how lovely.) I just stared, grabbing book after book as though I was really engrossed (and I can't believe I was actually looking at maps and mountains!)

I swear I could actually feel him staring at me while I pretended to read the book I randomly chose from the selection. Do you know the feeling of hot flushes and then you start to sweat (even on a cold winter afternoon?) That's how I felt. I was really sure he kept on looking at me. But when I finally got the courage to look back, he was gone.

Green and Red

Ooooh! Enough said :)

High school meets college grads!

SAC 03-04 Reunites!

Pretty Ladies and Gorgeous Gents! Because you want it, We'll have it!

WHAT: Effing SAC 03-04 Reunion

WHERE: Sarah's crib

WHEN: August 16, 2008 (6pm 'till early dawn)

Dress to impress and party like a rockstar! It's high school fun the college-graduate way with tequila and booze! Bring your favorite mix and share drinks as we dance the night away.

Cheers and beers everyone! Be there!

funny bone

I can't help myself from cracking up.

You know the feeling when you did something in the past and it suddenly hits you in the present and bring back some memories that will either make you curse yourself or actually question your judgment?

I was totally hit!

Looking for my certificates (to be included in my manuscript) I found a folded bond paper (now a little yellowish in color) in my bookshelf. I looked at it and read in disbelief. It was something I've written two years ago and I actually wanted to kill myself after reading, for writing such a thing. Well, it's funny how you do one thing, think of it as real and serious and then laugh at it and think it's so ridiculous one point in the future.

If it's any consolation, I think it made me realize I grew a little. 

Wow, save the drama.. but I guess I was really desperate that two long years ago.

Here's something I wrote couple years back and I still look at it and can't believe I wrote it:

DESPERATE METER

When did I start feeling desperate?

1. The day I signed up for speed dating events in the metro.

2. The moment I sent my friends a message telling them to set me up on a blind date.

3. The All Saint's Day I eagerly eyed on guys in the cemetery (only to break my neck.)

4. The gimmick night my gay friends started looking like straight (note to self: you were drunk!)

It makes me say: Now I know better.. 

Red Apple Misses STATE

They say you would only know what something means when it's already gone. I have to say that is so true.

It's been a rough three months since I left Michigan State University to go back to the Philippines and finish my degree. I had no choice. I wouldn't want to be a college dropout when all I have left is my final semester in UPLB. And because I chose to go back to my home country, I had to give up my everything. 

Oftentimes, I would just sit on my bed and stare blankly at the distant wall, then, as if watching a series of flashbacks, I would find myself caught in memories of winter and spring.

It's funny how I never wrote any about my experience as an exchange student in the States. I thought taking pictures is enough to keep all the good times intact. But I was wrong. I look back and wish I could have written about how I felt the very first time I stepped on snow, or how I laughed when we have Filipino dinners. I wished I had written something that would remind me how Coldstone ice cream tastes even when it's freezing point outside, or how I managed to get lost at all the right places. Sometimes I look back thinking I should have hosted more room parties, drank more beer, danced like there's no tomorrow. Ah, these are the little things I didn't know I would miss until they were all gone.

As for everyone who have been part of this little trip across the world, cheers! for all the fun times, for all the tear-jerker moments we had, for all the dramas, petty fights, little games, jokes, rendezvous. I miss all of it, every single second of my time at MSU, I miss more than I ever thought I will.

I would like to go back to Philips Snyder and eat like we've always done. I would want another serving of cake no matter how Allen and Chris would stop me. I would want to celebrate another St. Patty's day at Everyday Buffet and see if we do ever run across drunkards and party crashers who almost messed Jacky's birthday. I would want to wait for the CATA bus to take me for my daily dose of AE shopping. 

I will go back if I could. I just hope it would still feel the same.

I Found Green Apple in a Bookstore

You will just know it.

At least that's how I felt the first time I saw him.

There he is, Green Apple. Well, I wouldn't know his full name until later, but when I did, I swear I would say his name out loud once in a while. I make sure no one's around though, else they'll think I'm going nuts or something.

I actually met him in the most bizarre way I wouldn't even imagine happening to me. I was at Barnes and Nobles and was holding Meg Cabot's Size 12 is Not Fat when this guy came, walked to me, and asked:

"Why, are you a size 12?"

"EXCUSE ME?!"

And he cracked and laughed as I looked at him in disbelief. I almost wanted to kick his ass for making fun of me when he said he actually thinks it's an interesting book to read. 

So I walked towards the other shelves trying to avoid him when he kept following me. I stopped, faced him, and asked:

"What do you want now?"

And I was so startled when he said "ice cream would be great!"

He can't be serious. It was 24 degrees F and he was saying ice cream? He's got to be crazy!

Red Apple is Coming Home

It's the i'm-leaving-people-and-people-are-leaving-me kind of thing.

I never liked the idea of going home, because it meant I will have to say goodbye and leave the people who became my home for the past six months. It also meant embracing the warm summery weather of the tropics when I have loved the snow this side of the world. Going back also means no more delaying my manuscript which I never even thought of to begin with.

And I don't really know, but I feel like I'm just not ready to go home because of the fact that there are no people waiting for me. Don't get me wrong. I mean, family will always be family and I sure miss them a whole lot, but my college life in LB is a different story.

With almost all my friends parading their graduation pictures, and with all their blog entries about nailing that damn first job, I feel so left out and alone. To make things worse, I am missing one course for the semester and I'm pretty sure the registration would suck as it did before.

So yea, I guess this is the part where I should say I feel lost and I need 911 to come help me while another part of me is saying "this is just part of your pseudo-life-crisis" because while everyone seems to be moving on in the outside world, here I am trying to get a hold of myself for another semester of readings, and papers, and exams--crap!

And sine I already have crabby issues, I might as well eat my apple pie.

Green Apple meets Red Apple

I like how he would snuggle close to me on a winter night as he lights his cigarette and blows the smoke in circles. 

I miss how he would run his hand at my back, from my spine down to the waist, as he tells me I did well hitting the nine ball.

He would hold my hand in a heartbeat even when driving, not minding the traffic jam ahead. We would share kisses in every red light and would laugh when we hear honks signaling the light has changed color.

It's chemistry--how he would just look at me and not speak but still gets his message across.

It's funny how he would try to impress me with his chopstick abilities though he is never a fan of chinese. 

I remember how he'd hide from my camera but take stolen shots when I've fallen asleep. I still imagine how he wraps his arms around me every time we go to bed. I feel safe and warm in his touch.

I remember how he would tell me he loves me at the most unexpected instance that I would just look at him and mumble "are you kidding me?"

I laugh whenever I remember all our pick up lines which were half meant, half joke. I would always ask him where he gets his all-good lines and he'd tell me he means everything he says. Pick up line after pick up line, we would hit on each other. 

Call us crazy or cheesy, even corny. But these are the fun times I would not exchange for anything.