Not Another Life Crisis

Oh, it is such a good feeling to finally be free and not worry about home works, readings, tests, and papers. At last I'm done with school and I can practically do anything and everything I want. I'd get my dream job or start my business, I don't care! I'm ready for the world! (That was me speaking with enthusiasm and all optimistic three weeks ago.)

Now I'm eating my every word and no, it's not yummy.

I looked in the mirror only to see my oily face and uncombed, frizzy hair. One would think that I have all the time in the world after graduating, and yet I couldn't take a minute to brush and comb my hair, let alone hop in the shower and freshen up.

My room is dirty and I don't bother sweep the floor. My laundry basket is full of dirty clothes and I'm not thinking about loading the washer until next week. My phone's been dead for a few days now and I still don't care. (Now that's how I've been living that last three days.)

I would just get out of bed to either eat or poop. Mind you, if I could ask someone to bring lunch to my room, I'd probably be eating on my bed. I also spent hours memorizing lines from Grey's Anatomy and Prison Break as I watch dvd after dvd. I even lost my sense of time as I doze myself in every episode. I didn't bother get up because my head feels heavy and I feel so groggy. I know it has to do with my movements or the lack of it. Yes, that's how interesting my life's been and I'm starting to feel sick about it.

While other people look for jobs, live their lives, and go out with friends, here I am, wasting all my time in my dusty room (no wonder I sneezed all the time, and I was lazy to even notice my room needs cleaning.)

Truth is, I've always been like this whenever change hits me, or whenever my plans don't turn out the way it's supposed to be. This is just how I am after I study hard my whole college life, top my exams, graduate from the university and still not know what to do. At the end of the day, I have my degree, but still know nothing.

Now that I realized I have to take a leap, I'm starting to be apprehensive again. I feel like out there is a pool of deep, cold water and I'm scared I will drown. What if I put everything I got, show it to the world, and still nothing happens? Maybe that's the reason I don't want to go out my room. I'm anxious that I don't get my dream job; that I won't earn as much as I hope I would; that I'd remain jobless for a long time; that I'm not good enough. I'm such a coward, but brave enough to admit that I fear failure more than anything.

I also hate transition, not because I don't like change, but because I don't want to step out of my comfort zone. I don't like taking risks. I am the most optimistic and still the most pessimistic person I know.

They all say that life is too short which makes me all the more angry for letting three days slip in a blur. And you know what's ironic? I am in my comfort zone yet I don't feel happy. Perhaps I have to get out there, get a life, take a risk. I wish things could be as easy as my preschool days when all I worry about is missing my favorite Batibot on TV.

By the way, that's not me babbling, that's subconscious...

Run Jenny Run

I woke up this morning and ate a big breakfast. My dad walked in front of the table and asked me why I'm eating so much. He told me to lose weight as I've gained more pounds during the last six months. I just ignored him and continue eating.

Truth is, my dad's right. I've been eating a lot without even exercising. I went to my room and looked at the mirror and into my pictures taken six month ago. Yes, I did put on weight. 

It is really frustrating-the feeling I get when I look at old pictures and into the reflection in the mirror. But what am I to do?

Decided that I want to cut down pounds, or at least try, I wore my running clothes, took my brother's ipod and went for a jog.

It was actually a good run. The breeze is cool and it was not sunny at all. I think I might have to do this regularly, and I just hope I can watch the food I eat.

Goal for the day: Eat healthy.