cats and dogs

When we were little, we would always fight like cats and dogs, literally. I would scratch him, he would push me at the edge of the stair, I would lock him out of the house. We really hate each other and didn't bother talk. He has his own thing, I have mine. 

Then, our parents separated when I was 11 and he was 10. After that, it took both of us to another turn. I started caring for him a lot. And I really mean a LOT! I was not just his ate, I also was his mom from that day on.

11 years after, we were inseparable. We became each other's partner in crime. Sometimes we would look back and talk of our cats-and-dogs  phase and we will burst in laughter as we realize how childish we both were. 

My brother knows me so well and loves me for who I am. He doesn't have a choice anyway! But he's always there to listen to all my cheesy, eeeeckie stories, he's there to help me make the best decision. He'd knock me to consciousness when I'm floating away. He's the best brother I could ever have and sure I'm proud of him.

He's my worst critic and my biggest fan. I love him all the more. 

Green means procrastinate

Kill me.

I've been procrastinating a lot lately, and I mean that literally and figuratively. My manuscript has long been overdue and I still don't have the motivation to finish it, let alone start it.

Writing has never been a problem and I'm wondering now why the hell I could not push myself to write that damn requirement. I know that if I don't do it there's no way I'd be graduating this October even if I do finish all my courses and plan of study. 

Well sometimes, I think that not wanting to write the effing manuscript has to do with the idea that I still don't want to let go of college. I'm actually torn, I don't know what I want and I can tell you that I am in all shades of grey.

If only someone could shed some light. I'm in a major quarter life crisis and I need anyone who could push me over the edge of a cliff or bang my head on the wall for a wake up call.

Trip Down Memory Lane

For some reasons, I must have lowed down the temperature of the a/c that I started feeling cold. I was so lazy to turn the room temp warmer that I just wrapped my sheets all over me.

Then I felt really sad. If he was just with me, it wouldn't be that cold. If he was with me, then I will have his arms wrapped around me instead of my cold, thin sheet.

I'm really longing for Chris and I cannot describe how bad I miss him. Having a long distance relationship is very hard. There are many times when I already wanted to let go. When friends ask me how's my relationship with him and I tell them that we still manage to hold on, they're reactions would either be telling me to break up with him, or advising me to find someone else. So much for being supportive if you ask me.

It's really hard. Sometimes, I would hate myself for doubting his honesty. We don't talk everyday and the 12-hour time difference could get in the way, but we try to catch up on a regular basis. One time, I sent him an email about breaking up if he already found another, I was even ready to forget about him and move on. For a week I did not hear from him so I thought that was my cue to to start again, but much to my surprise, we talked as though he never got my email. It has never ended to begin with.

I have loved every moment I spent with him. All our foolish stunts, hopeful plans, late-night talks, I cherished. I think about him everyday but he doesn't know. On the other hand, he has told me he thinks of me and I want to believe it when he said it.

Whenever I ask him when is he coming to visit, he would tell me as soon as he can. No exact date. No assurance. I'm surprise I'm still holding on.

I think I'm ready for the time when he will tell me he's found another. I have prepared myself in the very beginning not to expect anything from him and just enjoy the ride. "Come what may" I would tell myself each day.

I don't want to think that months from now I will go back to this entry and regret I've confessed to the world how much I was smitten by his charms. What I want is to wake up months from now, even years, and read this, with him by my side.

It's going to be rough and tough, and all I have are memories of the two of us together, crazy happy. I hope those memories are enough to keep us together. Enough to one day bring us together. 

I found Green Apple in a Bookstore V

"Chris!"

My heart was racing 80 miles per hour and my mind has not decided between a peck on the cheek or a long hug. But I guess my lips just found his though I would later insist that he actually kissed me first.

"I'll see you soon." I told him.

"I'll call you." he said as I waved goodbye.

I didn't know what I was expecting then. I mean yes, it was a great day, it was the best date. But what would you expect from a spur of the moment thing? 

When you got hurt many times, you know when to end hoping and when to stop trusting. I was sure I won't hear from him. I was so sure I would not see him ever. I can't believe I gave in again and let my emotions take control. When will I ever learn?

But little did I know that it was just the beginning of a sweet scene I only used to see in the movies. And this time, we were each other's superstar.

Sweet Cup of Hellos II

Marlene and I went to Cafe antonio. It was our first time to try the place because we usually go to Jungle Java where we both are regulars. I'm glad we tried a different environment. Cafe Latte really tasted good and so much more with stories.

So I guess chic lits do happen in real life too. I realized that while I was sipping my coffee, and listening to all the boy troubles we've been having lately. It's like a chapter in a novel where the two characters meet in a coffee shop for endless talks.

I have to say that my friendship with Mar has already withstood time. We've been friends since day one of our freshman year in college. Since then, she became my confidant, the perfect listener, the best adviser. I would often joke and tell her she could earn money being a psychological therapist. She's never been in a relationship before but whenever I have problems, all I have to do is run to her and she'll have the answers I need by the end of night.

Mar knows me well enough to tell when I'm lying, or when I have some plans cooking. Last night, I told her that I'm being troubled by the fact that the guy I like is in love with someone else. Marlene, knowing me, said that it's just all about winning the competition.

Or is it?

Sweet Cup of Hellos I

Eight months ago, when I left for the States, I was not able to really say goodbye to my girl friends and much more to my dismay, when I got back to the Philippines, I was still not able to meet them because of so many reasons: exams, priorities, boy problems, even my laziness.

Last Wednesday I bumped into Marlene and she told me Dianne, our other girl friend is in town for her sorority's anniversary. The plan was to go eat dinner that same night, but unfortunately, I had my period and muscle cramps totally kept me home.

I guess my girls already know me for being the best planner but the weakest when it comes to execution. I don't know but there are really many times when I would plan night outs and it would just end up being cancelled.

Luckily, last Friday, without any plans at all, I called Mar and Dianne and asked for a get together. Dianne had to leave early because of a meeting but it's better than not seeing her at all. 

Mar and I were able to eat dinner and go for rounds of coffee afterwards. There are just so many things to talk about and so many advice from her that I have to hear.

I'm glad my girls are there when I need them. I just hope I could do the same for them. It's time to make up for my lapses.

Run bunny, RUN!

This is going to be the fastest 50 days of my life.

I remember, when I was little, I would always do countdowns. Be it the 100 days before Christmas, or the two years before my cousin's wedding, or even the last 15 minutes of a zoo field trip, I count and it has always been slow.

But anticipating for my graduation feels like a motocross at 60 miles per hour. I started with a hundred days and now I'm down to no more than 50. Time is all that I have and I'm beginning to to feel like I'm running out of it. 

When I first entered the University, as a freshman, I said I cannot wait to finish school and work (not realizing I would have to plan everything once I get out of the gates.) I have all the uncertainties of being a newbie in a big university, not sure if I'll be able to finish the bunny race.

I can see the finish line now, almost. But I'm not ready to face whatever is across the yellow tape. I've heard many frustrating stories of crossing over. They say it is not ideal. It is very different from what someone might hope in the four corners of a classroom. I was advised to be ready for disappointments for outside is a dog-eat-dog world.

I have to admit I'm scared. I cannot believe I'm back to the feeling of a newb who is about to enter a world that might perhaps be out of my league. But when I look back, I realized that all the lessons I learned, the friends I made, the fun times I had, even the long hours at the library, endless quizzes, and terror professors contribute to what I am now. I would like to think I'm ready.

Apprehensive--yes I am. But I am looking forward meeting new people, learning new things, getting wiser, growing up, I guess, after this race is just another marathon. Why should I be scared? I might just be able to bag the trophy after all.